So, I rolled a 10 this morning and my weight was 244.6, down 1.4 from Monday. Not bad! Of course, I then proceeded to go to my sister's and pull an EPIC FAIL. I ate lots of terrible things. Two notes: First, let me be clear that this is NOT THE END! I will get right back on the horse tomorrow and soldier on! Second, next time I feel myself slipping, I will drink a lot of water. It will mean I'm doing something else with my mouth for a bit (maybe the craving will fade in the meantime) it will make me feel full (maybe it will buy me some time so I can go find proper food elsewhere) and it will keep me hydrated. I lose the ability to feel hungry or full when I'm dehydrated. I just feel icky and then I can somewhat tell myself that I feel icky because I need food. "My blood sugar's low, I need carbs". Yeah, right. No, I just lost touch with my stomach because there's no liquid between it and my brain. ALWAYS WATER!!!
-Amber
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
34/54: Weigh In
I weighed 246.0 this morning, down 1.8 from a week ago. That's it for hard facts. Now, I need to explain something...
I read a book called "Procrastination". It was very interesting, and if you have any trouble with this leave a comment or message me and I'll find it and give you the authors, publisher, etc. Anyway, there was one section where they went through all the different reasons why people do this. I fit several of those bills, but one in particular stands out. This type of person is abnormally afraid of failure while also being a perfectionist. You may be thinking, wouldn't that drive them to do really well? Not when those two are joined by crippling self-doubt. When you combine an unrealistically high standard for yourself with the belief, deep down, that you'll never actually reach that standard, and are also quite afraid that you or, in particular, anyone else might find out that you are such a failure, weird things can happen. With this person, stalling on a project creates in their mind this kind of setup: "I only got an A minus on that paper because I didn't have much time", which reads: "I could do better if I had more time". Do you see what just happened? The true "potential" of that person will never be seen, because there will always be something that held them back. They never have to face what they assume/fear is the truth: that they're worthless failures. And no one else has to know either.
I do that. All the time. And last night I realized that I do it with weigh-ins. Because I know it's coming, I freak out inside. I ate bad things yesterday. Fatty, salty things. If you'd asked me why, I would have said that I was just weak that day. But the truth is, last week I had relatively little trouble sticking to my plan. I said "no" to many things that were offered for free or were my favorites or were easy. I did really well for the first part of the week, but then I started thinking about the weigh-in and I started thinking about (or making up) ways in which I coulda/shoulda done better this week. In my mind, the water I didn't drink and the extra half a mile I didn't walk added up to FAILURE. And I imagined the scale telling me that what I thought was a good job in the moment was actually crap, worthless attempts, failure. So I did what I usually do: I found a way to create "circumstances" under which the actual weigh-in couldn't be construed to reflect my actual performance. "Well, I only lost 1.8, but I had a lot of water retention going on, I'll be perfect next week, you'll see". I self-sabatoged. I freaked out and made it worse so I wouldn't have to see what actual results my actual performance created, out of the fear that they weren't inhumanely stellar.
Here's how I fix this: avoid the knowledge of an oncoming weigh-in. Every morning I will roll a d10. If I roll a 10, I'll weigh myself. If not, I won't. Now, I know that this is a band-aid and I'm not saying that this pathetic self-sabatoging thing isn't something I should fix, it's just that it will take time to fix it (I've BEEN working on it!) and right now, I just really need to stop doing this to myself. I need to lose weight, and I'll fix this and other things along the way. (I'm a very results-oriented person, can you tell?)
Right, so, I'll let you know as soon as I do next time I know how much I weigh! (I will of course still weigh in on the last day of my competiton, however, and just try really hard not to screw it up).
-Amber
I read a book called "Procrastination". It was very interesting, and if you have any trouble with this leave a comment or message me and I'll find it and give you the authors, publisher, etc. Anyway, there was one section where they went through all the different reasons why people do this. I fit several of those bills, but one in particular stands out. This type of person is abnormally afraid of failure while also being a perfectionist. You may be thinking, wouldn't that drive them to do really well? Not when those two are joined by crippling self-doubt. When you combine an unrealistically high standard for yourself with the belief, deep down, that you'll never actually reach that standard, and are also quite afraid that you or, in particular, anyone else might find out that you are such a failure, weird things can happen. With this person, stalling on a project creates in their mind this kind of setup: "I only got an A minus on that paper because I didn't have much time", which reads: "I could do better if I had more time". Do you see what just happened? The true "potential" of that person will never be seen, because there will always be something that held them back. They never have to face what they assume/fear is the truth: that they're worthless failures. And no one else has to know either.
I do that. All the time. And last night I realized that I do it with weigh-ins. Because I know it's coming, I freak out inside. I ate bad things yesterday. Fatty, salty things. If you'd asked me why, I would have said that I was just weak that day. But the truth is, last week I had relatively little trouble sticking to my plan. I said "no" to many things that were offered for free or were my favorites or were easy. I did really well for the first part of the week, but then I started thinking about the weigh-in and I started thinking about (or making up) ways in which I coulda/shoulda done better this week. In my mind, the water I didn't drink and the extra half a mile I didn't walk added up to FAILURE. And I imagined the scale telling me that what I thought was a good job in the moment was actually crap, worthless attempts, failure. So I did what I usually do: I found a way to create "circumstances" under which the actual weigh-in couldn't be construed to reflect my actual performance. "Well, I only lost 1.8, but I had a lot of water retention going on, I'll be perfect next week, you'll see". I self-sabatoged. I freaked out and made it worse so I wouldn't have to see what actual results my actual performance created, out of the fear that they weren't inhumanely stellar.
Here's how I fix this: avoid the knowledge of an oncoming weigh-in. Every morning I will roll a d10. If I roll a 10, I'll weigh myself. If not, I won't. Now, I know that this is a band-aid and I'm not saying that this pathetic self-sabatoging thing isn't something I should fix, it's just that it will take time to fix it (I've BEEN working on it!) and right now, I just really need to stop doing this to myself. I need to lose weight, and I'll fix this and other things along the way. (I'm a very results-oriented person, can you tell?)
Right, so, I'll let you know as soon as I do next time I know how much I weigh! (I will of course still weigh in on the last day of my competiton, however, and just try really hard not to screw it up).
-Amber
Sunday, September 19, 2010
33/54: OK, so that was fun.
I enjoyed defining and then allowing myself to use the word "perfect". It was a fun little experiment. But as it turns out, I'm not that crazy about living life by a checklist, so that's good for now.
Yesterday was hubby's birthday party. He wanted my famous "lasagnagasm". I had some too, and some roasted potatoes and carrots. I managed to only eat healthy things other than that, though, which was good. Didn't drink as much water as I should have though, and on account of it being a celebration, I didn't exercise.
So, the willing end of the "perfect" phase and the recent celebration lead me to these thoughts: what constitutes a big enough celebration to allow me to take the day off exercising and have one "bad" meal? And what's my new regime now that I'm tired of the checklist?
Well, I'm glad you asked. I figure if I declare which holidays are "off-plan-worthy" now, I won't try to rationalize myself into more of them later. Like setting boundaries for physical stuff BEFORE you get into a relationship: set the rules now when you're not in the heat of the moment. :-) Anyhoo, so here's my list: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and its Eve, Valentine's, My Birthday, The Birthdays Of My Immediate Family (which isn't a lot because the only two who are in town are hubby and sister), and My Graduation. There. That's my list, and I'm sticking to it.
As for my new plan...well...here's the thing. I've never allowed myself weekends off of school, not really. I try to do some homework everyday and then it looms over me every day so I try to do an even amount every day and then I don't really ever get a break but I try to believe that's okay because I don't have to do a lot of homework at any given time because I do some every day. Well, that worked for a while I guess, but I'd like to try something new. I know I'm an all-or-nothing kinda gal, and while it's not good when applied to a day of dieting ("I just ate one piece of pie, the day is ruined, might as well eat the rest") I could totally use it to my advantage in other areas. So the new plan is to do homework like a fiend on weekdays and then actually relax on the weekends. You know...like a normal person.
As for the diety part...I kinda like how I'm going now, just eating what I know is good for me and making sure to exercise for an hour every day. Except now that I have a pal to jog with on tue/thu/sat, it would be best to make that my cardio day and make mon/wed/fri my weights days and take Sunday off. Best anyway, I'm told my body needs at least one day a week to rest. I'm not inclined to give it, but that's my all-or-nothing mind talking and in this case I'm not going to listen.
Well this is a long enough post to bore the most avid of readers. As in, me, cause no one else pays attention. Which is fine. 'Bout what I expected. See "you" tomorrow with the weigh in.
-Amber
Yesterday was hubby's birthday party. He wanted my famous "lasagnagasm". I had some too, and some roasted potatoes and carrots. I managed to only eat healthy things other than that, though, which was good. Didn't drink as much water as I should have though, and on account of it being a celebration, I didn't exercise.
So, the willing end of the "perfect" phase and the recent celebration lead me to these thoughts: what constitutes a big enough celebration to allow me to take the day off exercising and have one "bad" meal? And what's my new regime now that I'm tired of the checklist?
Well, I'm glad you asked. I figure if I declare which holidays are "off-plan-worthy" now, I won't try to rationalize myself into more of them later. Like setting boundaries for physical stuff BEFORE you get into a relationship: set the rules now when you're not in the heat of the moment. :-) Anyhoo, so here's my list: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and its Eve, Valentine's, My Birthday, The Birthdays Of My Immediate Family (which isn't a lot because the only two who are in town are hubby and sister), and My Graduation. There. That's my list, and I'm sticking to it.
As for my new plan...well...here's the thing. I've never allowed myself weekends off of school, not really. I try to do some homework everyday and then it looms over me every day so I try to do an even amount every day and then I don't really ever get a break but I try to believe that's okay because I don't have to do a lot of homework at any given time because I do some every day. Well, that worked for a while I guess, but I'd like to try something new. I know I'm an all-or-nothing kinda gal, and while it's not good when applied to a day of dieting ("I just ate one piece of pie, the day is ruined, might as well eat the rest") I could totally use it to my advantage in other areas. So the new plan is to do homework like a fiend on weekdays and then actually relax on the weekends. You know...like a normal person.
As for the diety part...I kinda like how I'm going now, just eating what I know is good for me and making sure to exercise for an hour every day. Except now that I have a pal to jog with on tue/thu/sat, it would be best to make that my cardio day and make mon/wed/fri my weights days and take Sunday off. Best anyway, I'm told my body needs at least one day a week to rest. I'm not inclined to give it, but that's my all-or-nothing mind talking and in this case I'm not going to listen.
Well this is a long enough post to bore the most avid of readers. As in, me, cause no one else pays attention. Which is fine. 'Bout what I expected. See "you" tomorrow with the weigh in.
-Amber
Friday, September 17, 2010
31/54: So far...
...so good! I'm on my fourth day of getting to use the word "perfect" if I really want to.
A change: I need to do more than 1 chunck of homework everyday, but I don't need to do 2. I figure I'll change it to 2 on days that I have school, and 1 on Friday and Saturday. None on Sunday. That's a nice middle ground.
So, an NSV: Last light, I had two boxes of lean pockets. Usually I would eat both boxes because they were there. I ate one (I was really hungry, and it was my dinner). Later I also had a giant cracker, and I was eating it, and I realized that I wasn't actually hungry. So I threw it away. I realize that doesn't sound like much, but on most other occassions I would have finished the cracker or eaten another box of lean pockets while either immediately coming up with something else to think about or convincing myself that this one's okay, I just should really watch that in the future. None of that crap last night, no sir! I ate because I was hungry and I stopped when I wasn't. That's the behavior of, like, a normal person! Woot.
-Amber
A change: I need to do more than 1 chunck of homework everyday, but I don't need to do 2. I figure I'll change it to 2 on days that I have school, and 1 on Friday and Saturday. None on Sunday. That's a nice middle ground.
So, an NSV: Last light, I had two boxes of lean pockets. Usually I would eat both boxes because they were there. I ate one (I was really hungry, and it was my dinner). Later I also had a giant cracker, and I was eating it, and I realized that I wasn't actually hungry. So I threw it away. I realize that doesn't sound like much, but on most other occassions I would have finished the cracker or eaten another box of lean pockets while either immediately coming up with something else to think about or convincing myself that this one's okay, I just should really watch that in the future. None of that crap last night, no sir! I ate because I was hungry and I stopped when I wasn't. That's the behavior of, like, a normal person! Woot.
-Amber
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
28/54: Second Verse, Not The Same As The First!
Today was "perfect"! Woot. I'm awesome today. Today is also the beginning of the second half of the competition. Here's to new beginnings!
-Amber
-Amber
Sunday, September 12, 2010
26/54: Sleep
Sleep is important. Not waking up at 3 pm is important.
OK, so my definition of "perfect" includes doing 2 chunks of homework. I'm going to change that to "2 chunks of homework or 4 hours spent on homework, whichever comes first" because some homework chunks are much bigger than others, so it's a smoothing factor. Today will not be perfect simply because I woke up to late in the day to get all those things done AND go to evening worship AND help those two chicks in my Operations Management class with the test that's tomorrow like I said I would.
Anyhoot, NEWS: I have a friend ("EB") who is going to jog around Shakespeare Park (2 miles!) with me at 6:30 am on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings. She is putting on (according to her, I hadn't noticed) the law school equivalent of the "freshman 15" so she's trying to maintain her current cuteness. So that will be helpful. I tend to do better on endurance when I'm jogging with someone else because I just don't want to be that fatty who can't keep up. It's akin to competitiveness but it doesn't assume a vague base-equality like true competitiveness does. It assumes an inequality which I want to lessen. Splitting hairs, I know, but I like to be clear on definitions (did I mention that philosophy classes are a breeze for me?) I might be a nerd.
-Amber
OK, so my definition of "perfect" includes doing 2 chunks of homework. I'm going to change that to "2 chunks of homework or 4 hours spent on homework, whichever comes first" because some homework chunks are much bigger than others, so it's a smoothing factor. Today will not be perfect simply because I woke up to late in the day to get all those things done AND go to evening worship AND help those two chicks in my Operations Management class with the test that's tomorrow like I said I would.
Anyhoot, NEWS: I have a friend ("EB") who is going to jog around Shakespeare Park (2 miles!) with me at 6:30 am on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings. She is putting on (according to her, I hadn't noticed) the law school equivalent of the "freshman 15" so she's trying to maintain her current cuteness. So that will be helpful. I tend to do better on endurance when I'm jogging with someone else because I just don't want to be that fatty who can't keep up. It's akin to competitiveness but it doesn't assume a vague base-equality like true competitiveness does. It assumes an inequality which I want to lessen. Splitting hairs, I know, but I like to be clear on definitions (did I mention that philosophy classes are a breeze for me?) I might be a nerd.
-Amber
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)