So, I rolled a 10 this morning and my weight was 244.6, down 1.4 from Monday. Not bad! Of course, I then proceeded to go to my sister's and pull an EPIC FAIL. I ate lots of terrible things. Two notes: First, let me be clear that this is NOT THE END! I will get right back on the horse tomorrow and soldier on! Second, next time I feel myself slipping, I will drink a lot of water. It will mean I'm doing something else with my mouth for a bit (maybe the craving will fade in the meantime) it will make me feel full (maybe it will buy me some time so I can go find proper food elsewhere) and it will keep me hydrated. I lose the ability to feel hungry or full when I'm dehydrated. I just feel icky and then I can somewhat tell myself that I feel icky because I need food. "My blood sugar's low, I need carbs". Yeah, right. No, I just lost touch with my stomach because there's no liquid between it and my brain. ALWAYS WATER!!!
-Amber
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
34/54: Weigh In
I weighed 246.0 this morning, down 1.8 from a week ago. That's it for hard facts. Now, I need to explain something...
I read a book called "Procrastination". It was very interesting, and if you have any trouble with this leave a comment or message me and I'll find it and give you the authors, publisher, etc. Anyway, there was one section where they went through all the different reasons why people do this. I fit several of those bills, but one in particular stands out. This type of person is abnormally afraid of failure while also being a perfectionist. You may be thinking, wouldn't that drive them to do really well? Not when those two are joined by crippling self-doubt. When you combine an unrealistically high standard for yourself with the belief, deep down, that you'll never actually reach that standard, and are also quite afraid that you or, in particular, anyone else might find out that you are such a failure, weird things can happen. With this person, stalling on a project creates in their mind this kind of setup: "I only got an A minus on that paper because I didn't have much time", which reads: "I could do better if I had more time". Do you see what just happened? The true "potential" of that person will never be seen, because there will always be something that held them back. They never have to face what they assume/fear is the truth: that they're worthless failures. And no one else has to know either.
I do that. All the time. And last night I realized that I do it with weigh-ins. Because I know it's coming, I freak out inside. I ate bad things yesterday. Fatty, salty things. If you'd asked me why, I would have said that I was just weak that day. But the truth is, last week I had relatively little trouble sticking to my plan. I said "no" to many things that were offered for free or were my favorites or were easy. I did really well for the first part of the week, but then I started thinking about the weigh-in and I started thinking about (or making up) ways in which I coulda/shoulda done better this week. In my mind, the water I didn't drink and the extra half a mile I didn't walk added up to FAILURE. And I imagined the scale telling me that what I thought was a good job in the moment was actually crap, worthless attempts, failure. So I did what I usually do: I found a way to create "circumstances" under which the actual weigh-in couldn't be construed to reflect my actual performance. "Well, I only lost 1.8, but I had a lot of water retention going on, I'll be perfect next week, you'll see". I self-sabatoged. I freaked out and made it worse so I wouldn't have to see what actual results my actual performance created, out of the fear that they weren't inhumanely stellar.
Here's how I fix this: avoid the knowledge of an oncoming weigh-in. Every morning I will roll a d10. If I roll a 10, I'll weigh myself. If not, I won't. Now, I know that this is a band-aid and I'm not saying that this pathetic self-sabatoging thing isn't something I should fix, it's just that it will take time to fix it (I've BEEN working on it!) and right now, I just really need to stop doing this to myself. I need to lose weight, and I'll fix this and other things along the way. (I'm a very results-oriented person, can you tell?)
Right, so, I'll let you know as soon as I do next time I know how much I weigh! (I will of course still weigh in on the last day of my competiton, however, and just try really hard not to screw it up).
-Amber
I read a book called "Procrastination". It was very interesting, and if you have any trouble with this leave a comment or message me and I'll find it and give you the authors, publisher, etc. Anyway, there was one section where they went through all the different reasons why people do this. I fit several of those bills, but one in particular stands out. This type of person is abnormally afraid of failure while also being a perfectionist. You may be thinking, wouldn't that drive them to do really well? Not when those two are joined by crippling self-doubt. When you combine an unrealistically high standard for yourself with the belief, deep down, that you'll never actually reach that standard, and are also quite afraid that you or, in particular, anyone else might find out that you are such a failure, weird things can happen. With this person, stalling on a project creates in their mind this kind of setup: "I only got an A minus on that paper because I didn't have much time", which reads: "I could do better if I had more time". Do you see what just happened? The true "potential" of that person will never be seen, because there will always be something that held them back. They never have to face what they assume/fear is the truth: that they're worthless failures. And no one else has to know either.
I do that. All the time. And last night I realized that I do it with weigh-ins. Because I know it's coming, I freak out inside. I ate bad things yesterday. Fatty, salty things. If you'd asked me why, I would have said that I was just weak that day. But the truth is, last week I had relatively little trouble sticking to my plan. I said "no" to many things that were offered for free or were my favorites or were easy. I did really well for the first part of the week, but then I started thinking about the weigh-in and I started thinking about (or making up) ways in which I coulda/shoulda done better this week. In my mind, the water I didn't drink and the extra half a mile I didn't walk added up to FAILURE. And I imagined the scale telling me that what I thought was a good job in the moment was actually crap, worthless attempts, failure. So I did what I usually do: I found a way to create "circumstances" under which the actual weigh-in couldn't be construed to reflect my actual performance. "Well, I only lost 1.8, but I had a lot of water retention going on, I'll be perfect next week, you'll see". I self-sabatoged. I freaked out and made it worse so I wouldn't have to see what actual results my actual performance created, out of the fear that they weren't inhumanely stellar.
Here's how I fix this: avoid the knowledge of an oncoming weigh-in. Every morning I will roll a d10. If I roll a 10, I'll weigh myself. If not, I won't. Now, I know that this is a band-aid and I'm not saying that this pathetic self-sabatoging thing isn't something I should fix, it's just that it will take time to fix it (I've BEEN working on it!) and right now, I just really need to stop doing this to myself. I need to lose weight, and I'll fix this and other things along the way. (I'm a very results-oriented person, can you tell?)
Right, so, I'll let you know as soon as I do next time I know how much I weigh! (I will of course still weigh in on the last day of my competiton, however, and just try really hard not to screw it up).
-Amber
Sunday, September 19, 2010
33/54: OK, so that was fun.
I enjoyed defining and then allowing myself to use the word "perfect". It was a fun little experiment. But as it turns out, I'm not that crazy about living life by a checklist, so that's good for now.
Yesterday was hubby's birthday party. He wanted my famous "lasagnagasm". I had some too, and some roasted potatoes and carrots. I managed to only eat healthy things other than that, though, which was good. Didn't drink as much water as I should have though, and on account of it being a celebration, I didn't exercise.
So, the willing end of the "perfect" phase and the recent celebration lead me to these thoughts: what constitutes a big enough celebration to allow me to take the day off exercising and have one "bad" meal? And what's my new regime now that I'm tired of the checklist?
Well, I'm glad you asked. I figure if I declare which holidays are "off-plan-worthy" now, I won't try to rationalize myself into more of them later. Like setting boundaries for physical stuff BEFORE you get into a relationship: set the rules now when you're not in the heat of the moment. :-) Anyhoo, so here's my list: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and its Eve, Valentine's, My Birthday, The Birthdays Of My Immediate Family (which isn't a lot because the only two who are in town are hubby and sister), and My Graduation. There. That's my list, and I'm sticking to it.
As for my new plan...well...here's the thing. I've never allowed myself weekends off of school, not really. I try to do some homework everyday and then it looms over me every day so I try to do an even amount every day and then I don't really ever get a break but I try to believe that's okay because I don't have to do a lot of homework at any given time because I do some every day. Well, that worked for a while I guess, but I'd like to try something new. I know I'm an all-or-nothing kinda gal, and while it's not good when applied to a day of dieting ("I just ate one piece of pie, the day is ruined, might as well eat the rest") I could totally use it to my advantage in other areas. So the new plan is to do homework like a fiend on weekdays and then actually relax on the weekends. You know...like a normal person.
As for the diety part...I kinda like how I'm going now, just eating what I know is good for me and making sure to exercise for an hour every day. Except now that I have a pal to jog with on tue/thu/sat, it would be best to make that my cardio day and make mon/wed/fri my weights days and take Sunday off. Best anyway, I'm told my body needs at least one day a week to rest. I'm not inclined to give it, but that's my all-or-nothing mind talking and in this case I'm not going to listen.
Well this is a long enough post to bore the most avid of readers. As in, me, cause no one else pays attention. Which is fine. 'Bout what I expected. See "you" tomorrow with the weigh in.
-Amber
Yesterday was hubby's birthday party. He wanted my famous "lasagnagasm". I had some too, and some roasted potatoes and carrots. I managed to only eat healthy things other than that, though, which was good. Didn't drink as much water as I should have though, and on account of it being a celebration, I didn't exercise.
So, the willing end of the "perfect" phase and the recent celebration lead me to these thoughts: what constitutes a big enough celebration to allow me to take the day off exercising and have one "bad" meal? And what's my new regime now that I'm tired of the checklist?
Well, I'm glad you asked. I figure if I declare which holidays are "off-plan-worthy" now, I won't try to rationalize myself into more of them later. Like setting boundaries for physical stuff BEFORE you get into a relationship: set the rules now when you're not in the heat of the moment. :-) Anyhoo, so here's my list: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and its Eve, Valentine's, My Birthday, The Birthdays Of My Immediate Family (which isn't a lot because the only two who are in town are hubby and sister), and My Graduation. There. That's my list, and I'm sticking to it.
As for my new plan...well...here's the thing. I've never allowed myself weekends off of school, not really. I try to do some homework everyday and then it looms over me every day so I try to do an even amount every day and then I don't really ever get a break but I try to believe that's okay because I don't have to do a lot of homework at any given time because I do some every day. Well, that worked for a while I guess, but I'd like to try something new. I know I'm an all-or-nothing kinda gal, and while it's not good when applied to a day of dieting ("I just ate one piece of pie, the day is ruined, might as well eat the rest") I could totally use it to my advantage in other areas. So the new plan is to do homework like a fiend on weekdays and then actually relax on the weekends. You know...like a normal person.
As for the diety part...I kinda like how I'm going now, just eating what I know is good for me and making sure to exercise for an hour every day. Except now that I have a pal to jog with on tue/thu/sat, it would be best to make that my cardio day and make mon/wed/fri my weights days and take Sunday off. Best anyway, I'm told my body needs at least one day a week to rest. I'm not inclined to give it, but that's my all-or-nothing mind talking and in this case I'm not going to listen.
Well this is a long enough post to bore the most avid of readers. As in, me, cause no one else pays attention. Which is fine. 'Bout what I expected. See "you" tomorrow with the weigh in.
-Amber
Friday, September 17, 2010
31/54: So far...
...so good! I'm on my fourth day of getting to use the word "perfect" if I really want to.
A change: I need to do more than 1 chunck of homework everyday, but I don't need to do 2. I figure I'll change it to 2 on days that I have school, and 1 on Friday and Saturday. None on Sunday. That's a nice middle ground.
So, an NSV: Last light, I had two boxes of lean pockets. Usually I would eat both boxes because they were there. I ate one (I was really hungry, and it was my dinner). Later I also had a giant cracker, and I was eating it, and I realized that I wasn't actually hungry. So I threw it away. I realize that doesn't sound like much, but on most other occassions I would have finished the cracker or eaten another box of lean pockets while either immediately coming up with something else to think about or convincing myself that this one's okay, I just should really watch that in the future. None of that crap last night, no sir! I ate because I was hungry and I stopped when I wasn't. That's the behavior of, like, a normal person! Woot.
-Amber
A change: I need to do more than 1 chunck of homework everyday, but I don't need to do 2. I figure I'll change it to 2 on days that I have school, and 1 on Friday and Saturday. None on Sunday. That's a nice middle ground.
So, an NSV: Last light, I had two boxes of lean pockets. Usually I would eat both boxes because they were there. I ate one (I was really hungry, and it was my dinner). Later I also had a giant cracker, and I was eating it, and I realized that I wasn't actually hungry. So I threw it away. I realize that doesn't sound like much, but on most other occassions I would have finished the cracker or eaten another box of lean pockets while either immediately coming up with something else to think about or convincing myself that this one's okay, I just should really watch that in the future. None of that crap last night, no sir! I ate because I was hungry and I stopped when I wasn't. That's the behavior of, like, a normal person! Woot.
-Amber
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
28/54: Second Verse, Not The Same As The First!
Today was "perfect"! Woot. I'm awesome today. Today is also the beginning of the second half of the competition. Here's to new beginnings!
-Amber
-Amber
Sunday, September 12, 2010
26/54: Sleep
Sleep is important. Not waking up at 3 pm is important.
OK, so my definition of "perfect" includes doing 2 chunks of homework. I'm going to change that to "2 chunks of homework or 4 hours spent on homework, whichever comes first" because some homework chunks are much bigger than others, so it's a smoothing factor. Today will not be perfect simply because I woke up to late in the day to get all those things done AND go to evening worship AND help those two chicks in my Operations Management class with the test that's tomorrow like I said I would.
Anyhoot, NEWS: I have a friend ("EB") who is going to jog around Shakespeare Park (2 miles!) with me at 6:30 am on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings. She is putting on (according to her, I hadn't noticed) the law school equivalent of the "freshman 15" so she's trying to maintain her current cuteness. So that will be helpful. I tend to do better on endurance when I'm jogging with someone else because I just don't want to be that fatty who can't keep up. It's akin to competitiveness but it doesn't assume a vague base-equality like true competitiveness does. It assumes an inequality which I want to lessen. Splitting hairs, I know, but I like to be clear on definitions (did I mention that philosophy classes are a breeze for me?) I might be a nerd.
-Amber
OK, so my definition of "perfect" includes doing 2 chunks of homework. I'm going to change that to "2 chunks of homework or 4 hours spent on homework, whichever comes first" because some homework chunks are much bigger than others, so it's a smoothing factor. Today will not be perfect simply because I woke up to late in the day to get all those things done AND go to evening worship AND help those two chicks in my Operations Management class with the test that's tomorrow like I said I would.
Anyhoot, NEWS: I have a friend ("EB") who is going to jog around Shakespeare Park (2 miles!) with me at 6:30 am on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings. She is putting on (according to her, I hadn't noticed) the law school equivalent of the "freshman 15" so she's trying to maintain her current cuteness. So that will be helpful. I tend to do better on endurance when I'm jogging with someone else because I just don't want to be that fatty who can't keep up. It's akin to competitiveness but it doesn't assume a vague base-equality like true competitiveness does. It assumes an inequality which I want to lessen. Splitting hairs, I know, but I like to be clear on definitions (did I mention that philosophy classes are a breeze for me?) I might be a nerd.
-Amber
Thursday, September 9, 2010
23/54: An Ammendment And An Announcement
Okay, so refer to previous blog on my intentionally clear and itemized definition, in the context of this blog at least, of the word "perfection", but make one ammendment: I'm gonna have to do two pieces of homework per day to get ahead.
Anyway, I'm so starting this tomorrow! I will be perfect. Not in a cocky, unrealistic way, but in an entirely reasonable, this-is-what-I-want-out-of-my-days way. Looking forward to it!
P.S. Totally forgot to weigh myself for the competition, I'll do it next week!
-Amber
Anyway, I'm so starting this tomorrow! I will be perfect. Not in a cocky, unrealistic way, but in an entirely reasonable, this-is-what-I-want-out-of-my-days way. Looking forward to it!
P.S. Totally forgot to weigh myself for the competition, I'll do it next week!
-Amber
Sunday, September 5, 2010
19/54: Goals and Stupid Shoulders
Just when I was prepared to get to the gym the next day, I wake up with a really hurt shoulder. It's still working itself out today. Mnarfnard.
Anyhoo, I've become too concerned with what the scale says and need to refocus on my actual behaviors. Usually I can be on good behavior for two days, maybe three, before it's apparently too much and I have to take myself down a few pegs by eating something I know isn't good for me and then using it to justify throwing the rest of the day away since, let's face it, it's already ruined. Apparently 48 hours is the limit of my ability to motivate myself.
No more.
I want to have a perfect week. As in, seven whole days. I can't deny that I, as an all-or-nothing kind of thinker, am very drawn to the word "perfect". I thought that instead of trying to avoid that attraction, I'd try (on a short-term, trial basis) letting myself have it. The trick, of course, is putting a concrete definition to the word so that I can use it without accusing myself of stretching the truth in my favor and then feeling like a jerk and a fool.
So, here's the definition: on a perfect day I will spend at least one hour exercising, I will eat only high-nutrition, low-fat foods, I will read one chapter or do some equivalent chunk of homework, I will spend half an hour with the Bible or some book on theology/doctrine/etc., and I will clean one room of the apartment. There. If I do those things I've had a perfect day, and if I do them for seven days in a row I'll have had a perfect week.
Speaking of weeks, my competitor and I promised each other certain numbers for tomorrow's weigh-in. Sorry, SK and myself, those numbers will have to be seen some other week. Muhbad. Maybe next Monday!
-Amber
Anyhoo, I've become too concerned with what the scale says and need to refocus on my actual behaviors. Usually I can be on good behavior for two days, maybe three, before it's apparently too much and I have to take myself down a few pegs by eating something I know isn't good for me and then using it to justify throwing the rest of the day away since, let's face it, it's already ruined. Apparently 48 hours is the limit of my ability to motivate myself.
No more.
I want to have a perfect week. As in, seven whole days. I can't deny that I, as an all-or-nothing kind of thinker, am very drawn to the word "perfect". I thought that instead of trying to avoid that attraction, I'd try (on a short-term, trial basis) letting myself have it. The trick, of course, is putting a concrete definition to the word so that I can use it without accusing myself of stretching the truth in my favor and then feeling like a jerk and a fool.
So, here's the definition: on a perfect day I will spend at least one hour exercising, I will eat only high-nutrition, low-fat foods, I will read one chapter or do some equivalent chunk of homework, I will spend half an hour with the Bible or some book on theology/doctrine/etc., and I will clean one room of the apartment. There. If I do those things I've had a perfect day, and if I do them for seven days in a row I'll have had a perfect week.
Speaking of weeks, my competitor and I promised each other certain numbers for tomorrow's weigh-in. Sorry, SK and myself, those numbers will have to be seen some other week. Muhbad. Maybe next Monday!
-Amber
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
7/54: Sad Faces (not painted over with those magazine smiles)
I had three problems today:
1. I woke up with an extremely sore right bicep, having apparently slept on it funny during the night.
2. I now officially needed new shoes (they just weren't supporting anything).
3. I was just plain tired from the extremes of the last two days.
What was the result of these three problems? I cut back on exercise today, as an attempt to give myself a break but not a big one. I did one mile on the eliptical and two miles on the stationary bike. And I went out and got new shoes.
Furthermore, and probably but not sure how-ly related to the problems above, I made three mistakes today:
1. I ate a snickers bar.
2. I ate most of a bag of reeses pieces.
3. I went to Wendy's and got two small, dollar-menu burgers.
BUT, tomorrow's another day. And I'm still gonna do it. I bought another workout video: Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. Yeah! Looking forward to it!
BTW, yesterday after the three miles and a bit of Billy Blanks Bootcamp I went to Shakespeare Park with hubby and a friend and walked another 2 miles. Go me!
P.S. 50,000 cool points to anyone who can tell me what song the title refers to!
1. I woke up with an extremely sore right bicep, having apparently slept on it funny during the night.
2. I now officially needed new shoes (they just weren't supporting anything).
3. I was just plain tired from the extremes of the last two days.
What was the result of these three problems? I cut back on exercise today, as an attempt to give myself a break but not a big one. I did one mile on the eliptical and two miles on the stationary bike. And I went out and got new shoes.
Furthermore, and probably but not sure how-ly related to the problems above, I made three mistakes today:
1. I ate a snickers bar.
2. I ate most of a bag of reeses pieces.
3. I went to Wendy's and got two small, dollar-menu burgers.
BUT, tomorrow's another day. And I'm still gonna do it. I bought another workout video: Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. Yeah! Looking forward to it!
BTW, yesterday after the three miles and a bit of Billy Blanks Bootcamp I went to Shakespeare Park with hubby and a friend and walked another 2 miles. Go me!
P.S. 50,000 cool points to anyone who can tell me what song the title refers to!
Monday, August 23, 2010
6/54: Heeeeere's Amber!
I totally ate right yesterday!
I'm gonna go to the gym here in a sec. I plan on doing 3 miles on the treadmill and then coming back to my apt and doing Billy Blanks Bootcamp. And so far I've eaten right today as well.
I'm coming to get you, SK!
I'm gonna go to the gym here in a sec. I plan on doing 3 miles on the treadmill and then coming back to my apt and doing Billy Blanks Bootcamp. And so far I've eaten right today as well.
I'm coming to get you, SK!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
5/54: Ow.
At the gym today, I did a mile on the treadmill, then I worked biceps and triceps, then I did a mile on the bike, then I worked lats and abs, then I did a mile on the treadmill, then I worked shoulders and pecs, then I did a mile on the elliptical, then I worked adductors and abductors and obliques, then I did a mile on the treadmill. I can say with quite a degree of certainty that I won't be eating any crap today. Wouldn't want to make all that mean less. Beucause let me tell you...ow.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
4/54: Trash Talk
I have no trash talk today because the first three days were filled with junk food and inactivity. But I do have a promise...you will bow to me...
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
1/54: It's On!
I have begun a competition with someone! It's a simple, percentage-based (just like Biggest Loser) contest from today to October 11th. That's 54 days. This morning's weight was 245.8. SK is going down!!! :-) And I actually think that THIS competitor will stay on track! Which means I'll stay on track, because I have to win! Yay!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I Got Struck By Lightening
Almost literally. My friend (calling her "E") and I went canoeing on Sunday. We got dumped into the rapids twice and we both got dinged up pretty good, she with mostly bruises and I with mostly gashes. She hit her head on a rock and I almost lost a toe. I had never been on a boat and she had only done canoeing about twice and never through rapids like that. A dude in a kayak wondered aloud why the Coosa Outdoor Center even allowed us to have the canoe given our lack of experience...apparently canoes are much harder to handle than a kayak. We were kinda pissed to learn that, because how in the hell were we supposed to know that? We would have gladly switched to kayaks if they had told us it was going to be that much safer!
Anyhoot, that sounds complainy but actually, despite the fact that we were mauled repeatedly by our boat, we had a good time. We got to the docking area about four hours earlier than necessary (they told us to be there by 6:30 but gave no indication of how fast that meant we would have to go, so we just went fast to be sure) and got kinda bored. So we were just hanging out in the shallow water when it started raining. We both thought "Cool! I want to go out farther and be in the rain!" so we went out farther (as in, so that we were no longer under trees) and it was indeed cool to be in a river in the rain. Of course to get out that far we had to expose ourselves to a much stronger current. And did I mention we did not feel the need to bring our life jackets? I am aware that I sound like I am setting you up to read about how we were swept out into the middle and taken for a ride, but no, that's not what happened. That's just what we were slightly worried would happen.
What did happen was that we decided to go about 100 feet down the river to a group of large rocks that vaguely formed a penninsula and just perch there in the rain for a while. It was very peaceful and the river was very beautiful. After a bit we decided to go back to the shallows where we were supposed to be. We were stepping carefully over the rocks about waist deep in the water when lightening struck somewhere close. I remember certain details very clearly: I saw the sky light up and as I processed that it must have come from the right because of the way the light hit the clouds I realized that the river beneath me lit up as well and I felt what seemed like a deep, resounding impact in my bones. It was like when a marching band is playing close to you and you can hear the drums in your chest, only it was in all the bones in my lower half. I thought of Kalahn the Mother Confessor's power in the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. If you've read it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, then my muscles spasmed all at once and there was a split second where I didn't know if they were going to keep spasming or if I was about to register a great deal of pain...if, in fact, this was the end.
I can remember all of this clearly now, but not all of it fully registered on my brain when it was happening. It all happened lightening-fast you might say. (I apologize to the joke gods.) What got through to my brain at the time was the impression of light and the muscle spasm. I have had problems with my calves in the past and my left calf spasmed both times we were dumped into the rapids (which, by the way, was also quite frightening, because in the first second of one of my calf spasms I can't tell if it's a little one or if it's going to ramp up into one of The Big Ones, which would have SUCKED while trying to swim through rapids!) Anyway, I felt the giant muscle spasm and at first thought it was just my left calf again but then of course immediately realized that no, that was my whole lower half, and it was accompanied by a bone-impact of weirdness. My physical reaction was to look up at E with an expression of, I'm guessing, open-mouthed wonder. Her physical reaction was to quickly verbalize:
E: I just got struck by lightening!
Me: I know! So did I! We gotta get out of here!
E: I just got struck by lightening!
Me: (turning back towards the rocks) I know! Let's go!
E: (looking as scared as I felt and coming towards me and the rocks) I just got struck by lightening!
Me: I KNOW! ME TOO!
E: Did you feel it?
Me: YES!
She finally (well, actually quite quickly, but it felt like forever) got onto the safe rocks with me and we looked at each other in awe for a few seconds and then broke into silly grins and high-fived. "That was AWESOME!!!" "That was SO COOL!" And it was. We got struck by lightening. Who gets to say that? I've been electrocuted before and it actually hurt more, but that was just an electrical socked. Sockets are lame. I got electrocuted by LIGHTENING! Sweet!
We waited until the storm passed and then, quite nervously, swam upriver back to the shallows and our stuff. It took a lot longer to swim up than it took to swim down, and we were so worried that it was going to happen again and worse this time! It was a little rediculous. But so crazy fun. Anyway, we're both alive still, and I've got lots of bandages. All in all, a good time!
Anyhoot, that sounds complainy but actually, despite the fact that we were mauled repeatedly by our boat, we had a good time. We got to the docking area about four hours earlier than necessary (they told us to be there by 6:30 but gave no indication of how fast that meant we would have to go, so we just went fast to be sure) and got kinda bored. So we were just hanging out in the shallow water when it started raining. We both thought "Cool! I want to go out farther and be in the rain!" so we went out farther (as in, so that we were no longer under trees) and it was indeed cool to be in a river in the rain. Of course to get out that far we had to expose ourselves to a much stronger current. And did I mention we did not feel the need to bring our life jackets? I am aware that I sound like I am setting you up to read about how we were swept out into the middle and taken for a ride, but no, that's not what happened. That's just what we were slightly worried would happen.
What did happen was that we decided to go about 100 feet down the river to a group of large rocks that vaguely formed a penninsula and just perch there in the rain for a while. It was very peaceful and the river was very beautiful. After a bit we decided to go back to the shallows where we were supposed to be. We were stepping carefully over the rocks about waist deep in the water when lightening struck somewhere close. I remember certain details very clearly: I saw the sky light up and as I processed that it must have come from the right because of the way the light hit the clouds I realized that the river beneath me lit up as well and I felt what seemed like a deep, resounding impact in my bones. It was like when a marching band is playing close to you and you can hear the drums in your chest, only it was in all the bones in my lower half. I thought of Kalahn the Mother Confessor's power in the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. If you've read it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, then my muscles spasmed all at once and there was a split second where I didn't know if they were going to keep spasming or if I was about to register a great deal of pain...if, in fact, this was the end.
I can remember all of this clearly now, but not all of it fully registered on my brain when it was happening. It all happened lightening-fast you might say. (I apologize to the joke gods.) What got through to my brain at the time was the impression of light and the muscle spasm. I have had problems with my calves in the past and my left calf spasmed both times we were dumped into the rapids (which, by the way, was also quite frightening, because in the first second of one of my calf spasms I can't tell if it's a little one or if it's going to ramp up into one of The Big Ones, which would have SUCKED while trying to swim through rapids!) Anyway, I felt the giant muscle spasm and at first thought it was just my left calf again but then of course immediately realized that no, that was my whole lower half, and it was accompanied by a bone-impact of weirdness. My physical reaction was to look up at E with an expression of, I'm guessing, open-mouthed wonder. Her physical reaction was to quickly verbalize:
E: I just got struck by lightening!
Me: I know! So did I! We gotta get out of here!
E: I just got struck by lightening!
Me: (turning back towards the rocks) I know! Let's go!
E: (looking as scared as I felt and coming towards me and the rocks) I just got struck by lightening!
Me: I KNOW! ME TOO!
E: Did you feel it?
Me: YES!
She finally (well, actually quite quickly, but it felt like forever) got onto the safe rocks with me and we looked at each other in awe for a few seconds and then broke into silly grins and high-fived. "That was AWESOME!!!" "That was SO COOL!" And it was. We got struck by lightening. Who gets to say that? I've been electrocuted before and it actually hurt more, but that was just an electrical socked. Sockets are lame. I got electrocuted by LIGHTENING! Sweet!
We waited until the storm passed and then, quite nervously, swam upriver back to the shallows and our stuff. It took a lot longer to swim up than it took to swim down, and we were so worried that it was going to happen again and worse this time! It was a little rediculous. But so crazy fun. Anyway, we're both alive still, and I've got lots of bandages. All in all, a good time!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Uggh.
I did so good for a few days, and then...uggh, it's so weird, I have two and a half weeks off before school starts again and what do I do with it? Absolutely nothing. Which would be fine if I was enjoying it, but I'm not. I can't let go of feeling like a failure if I don't get a lot done in a day, so even when I try to just relax it doesn't really work and I just start hating myself and eat the emotions, which of course brings out more emotions and I keep eating...I wish I could pick one! Either enjoy being lazy or find something to do and do it. But I keep thinking of things to do and then wavering back and forth about "I should do it, but I don't have to, and I really should be enjoying my break, but now I'm bored, I just don't know" and then the day is over and I didn't do it and now I feel stupid. And worse, I let feeling stupid manifest as random food being eated in the wee hours of the morning alone. Shameful. But I have a friend visiting for a few days and she'll probably kick me into gear...I'm hoping she and I can have fun but also go the gym and cook good food. I'm counting on the fact that pretty much anything done with her is fun. I know she'll push me diet-and-exercise wise if I ask her to, but she's also a really really fun person. I realize that I should be able to do things for myself and that relying on her to help me get through a few more days without the structure of school is pathetic, but oh well, I'm pathetic then. I just need help. Unfortunately. *sigh*
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Hi.
Yesterday I ended up staying awake till about 8 this morning. When 3:30 rolled around and I still wasn't really tired I figured hey, I'll stay up till the gym opens at 5, then go to bed. Which I did. It was awesome.
Tried out a real aerobics class today. It was okay. Not bad, but I can tell I'll get bored in not too long. I think I'll invent my own quirky dance-like aerobics tailored to my favorite upbeat songs and then do them with my sister. Yeah. :-)
Didn't eat anything bad today. Lots of grapes, which is some tasty awesomeness. :-)
Tried out a real aerobics class today. It was okay. Not bad, but I can tell I'll get bored in not too long. I think I'll invent my own quirky dance-like aerobics tailored to my favorite upbeat songs and then do them with my sister. Yeah. :-)
Didn't eat anything bad today. Lots of grapes, which is some tasty awesomeness. :-)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Day Two of August
I did it again! Another day of actually staying on the diet! I feel awesome. Here's what I ate and the stats thereof:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=GRADUATESKINNY&dte=8%2F2%2F2010
Go me!
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=GRADUATESKINNY&dte=8%2F2%2F2010
Go me!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
One Day of August
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have successfully completed one day of August eating non-crap. Yay, me! Specifically, here's what I ate and the calorie/carb/fat/protein breakdown: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=GRADUATESKINNY&dte=8%2F2%2F2010
I totally did well! Yeah!
I totally did well! Yeah!
The End of July
The summer semester is over and I've had a few days to relax. I hung out with friends a lot and ate a lot. I didn't go to the gym once and didn't really even pay attention at all except to feel a vague guilt that I took pains to ignore. I finished the month at 242.0 pounds, down only 1.8 from the beginning of the month. The purpose of this post is to face that. I lost under 2 pounds in July and I could have done much better. There. Now, let's move on! I'll post later today about how August is going so far. :-)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
My Progress So Far
I started really trying to lose weight on May 1st of this year. That's almost three months ago, and I've lost about 15 pounds. Not bad, but not as good as I wanted. I've hit a wall recently - the "if I get beneath 240 lbs it will all be too real, run awaaaaay!" wall. It's epic. What I'm going to do is stop weighing myself every day and spend the last week of this month kicking my butt in the gym and eating food that's not crap. Obviously, that's what I'm supposed to have been doing, but I mean REALLY kicking my butt the gym. Unfortunately doing what I'm supposed to have been doing is going to take the mental energy of doing way more than is needed because of this lurking fear of not having my fatty scapegoat for everything. So oh well, that's fine, I'll spend the necessary energy and do my job. Then on August 1st I'll weight myself again and I'll be under 240, and then I'll just have to deal with it. Looking forward to that, yeah.
-Amber
-Amber
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